Excerpt from My Small and Mighty Corps
On Christmas Eve, our Senior Drill Instructor (the father figure, or ‘good cop’ of the DI team) instructed us to each take one of our socks out and hang it atop the head of our rack, “just in case Santa comes tonight.” Well, we did as we were told, and I must say that I truly believed that there might be candy inside our socks when we woke up. The Senior DI had a foot locker chocked full of cavities just waiting to happen, which we saw from time to time if the SDI’s door was open. Late that night, I heard a rattle and peeked out from between partially closed eyelids to see the firewatch placing something in each sock. Waiting until he passed, I slivered and slunk like the Grinch to my sock, then pulled out a small piece of paper. Getting my flashlight out and then crawling under my wool blanket (which obscured the light from the firewatch), I read the paper – “500 pushups.” Curious, I sneakily snatched small notes from other socks, to see if someone had a lesser ‘gift.’ No luck. “Mountain climb until you die” and “1,000 flutter kicks” were the first two I pulled out – then, I got an idea. Devious? Yes. Feasible? Yes. Hilarious? I thought so.
I pulled a few sheets of paper out of my letter-writing gear, then got under my covers with the flashlight again and went to work, making my own set of ‘presents.’ “Double Chow.” “Ice cream with dinner for one week.” “No PT for a week.” “Drill instructor for a day.” On the back of each, I wrote, “see Senior DI to claim prize.” I replaced the SDI’s original pieces of paper in their respective socks, but stuffed them low into the toe of each sock, and placed my paper near the top of each sock. In the morning, I woke up and remembered my actions, wondering just how smart the idea was. More than likely, the DI’s would be furious, and we would all thrash until someone had the integrity to fess up. It was Christmas Day, however, and I was saved by the morning church service. By the time we marched to the chapel, sang some songs, and came back, the joke would be out and the thrashing would be over. I was wrong.
When the five of us returned to rejoin the rest of the platoon ‘chilling out’ (polishing boots, scuzzing the deck), a line was formed outside the SDI’s duty hut. Recruit Vest was the first in line, and I moved my scuzzing operation to within hearing distance. He was talking to the recruit behind him. “I got the ‘Big Surprise!’ I wonder what it is? I hope it’s not push-ups or something.” I went over to my buddy, John Martinez, trying not to laugh and pulled him out of the line, “It’s a joke!” I told him. “I made those things!” “You dog!” He said, laughing “I knew it had to be you!" Right just then, the air was disrupted by the short-fused, loud and raspy voice of our Senior Drill Instructor. “What do you want?!” Our Senior DI barked at Recruit Vest from behind his desk. Recruit Vest centered himself on the hatch. “Sir, this recruit is here to claim his ‘Big Surprise,' Sir!” “You want WHAT? Give me that [piece of paper, presumably]!” The silence seemed to last forever. My heart almost stopped as I recognized the calm before the storm. He then continued. I think I could hear him smiling. “Oh, I see.” The Senior Drill Instructor sounded almost amused. “You want the BIG SURPRISE?” Then he exploded. “YOU’LL GET YOUR BIG SURPRISE, VEST! HA, HA, HA, HA. YESSSS, YOU’LL GET YOUR BIG SURPRISE. I GOT A WHOLE BAG OF BIG SURPRISE FOR YOU, YOU MAGGOT! GET THE FRICK OUTTA MY HATCH!!!”
At that, the rest of the line instantly dissipated. Within five minutes, the DI’s had collected all of my little notes, laughing out loud at each of them. Then, we gave the DI’s our Christmas presents – billions of little drops of sweat, for hours. I remained undiscovered. Then somehow, word filtered out that I had been the perpetrator (I guess someone saw me the night before). I still didn’t know that anyone knew. Vest was paying for his ‘Big Surprise’ long after all of us had finished. He was really taking a beating. Then, in desperation, he yelled out “SCREW YOU, SPEIGHTS!” Oh wait, that's my name. How did he know it was me!?!! He took some hell before he dropped my name, too. I took his place even as the giddy DI’s swarmed me and toyed with me, the Christmas present mastermind, until I was flopping around on the floor like a dying fish in a pile of sweat. Looking back, it was worth it.
hahaha, nice
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