Christmas at Parris Island: Brown Paper Packages

An excerpt from My Small and Mighty Corps

During the holidays, recruits receive tons of goodies from loved ones. Grandma Speights sent me one of her traditional handmade candy wreaths, and it was hung on the SDI’s hatch. Though plenty of opportunity was there, not one of those colorfully wrapped caramels, or chocolates, or hard candies was pulled from that wreath for a month. Simply put, no one had the balls, and for this reason: just before receiving the wreath in the mail, recruit Feeney opened his eight pound box of cookies from mom and stuffed two oatmeal raisins in his mouth before the DI came to inspect the package. The DI smelled the cookies on his breath, and questioned the recruit.  Diverting, Feeney said, "Would the Drill Instructor like a cookie, Sir!" (when you yell out a question in the Marines, it sounds more like a statement)  The DI responded, "I don't want your damn cookies, because from the looks of you, your mother or your grandmother or whoever baked those cookies was probably a heroin-addict, and I have no doubt she injected those cookies full of crack, or marajuana, or some other substance that should not be in this room right now."  Then the DI made the short, stocky, 140-pound Feeney eat the whole box by himself in less than ten minutes. When he couldn’t eat another crumb (he was obviously in pain), he got his butt seriously trashed on the quarterdeck until he rained oatmeal rasin puke all over the squad bay. Now, who’s hungry?


Recruit Martinez, who was my enlistment buddy, made sure to tell his parents not to send pogey bait, but instead to send razors, toothpaste, and aftershave, which were all authorized items. He stood on the quarterdeck while the DI inspected his newly arrived parcel. “Recruit Martinez?” “Sir, yes, Sir!” “What is this?” “Sir, it’s Old Spice aftershave, Sir!” “Are you sure?” “Sir?” “Did you taste it?” “Sir, no Sir!” “Take off the cap.” “Aye, Sir!” “Put the bottle in your mouth.” “Aye, Sir!” “NOW DRINK IT! DRINK IT! DRINK IT ALL, RECRUIT!” Just as the DI was yelling, the back hatch slammed. It was the Series Gunnery Sgt. (he was, among other roles, the Human Resources Manager of this organization) and the DI didn’t flinch. In the middle of his raving, he changed, like the flip of a switch. The whole incident went like this, ‘NOW DRINK IT! DRINK IT! DRINK IT ALL, RECRUIT!” (door slams) “RECRUIT MARTINEZ, I TOLD YOU TO GET THAT BOTTLE OUT OF YOUR FRIGGIN’ MOUTH! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING? WHAT IS IN THAT BOTTLE, RECRUIT?” “Sir, aftershave, Sir!” “DOES IT HAVE ALCOHOL IN IT?” “Sir, yes, Sir!” “AND ARE YOU ALLOWED TO HAVE ALCOHOL AT RECRUIT TRAINING? GET THE HECK OFF MY QUARTERDECK!!”